Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Women, do you have an "It's All About Me" mother? If so, your roles may have flipped and your mother often acts like a very young child which puts you in a role of parenting her. I think we get very upset by her partly because we keep expecting her to act like a mature adult. With a narcissistic mother, it isn't going to happen.
I can speak from both professional and personal experience having a mother with a strong narcissistic bent. I have my own strategies and know many more that might help you too. I think the biggest challenge for adult daughters like us is to keep our wellness in focus and not be swept away into mom's turmoil, drama, and immense dependency. Understanding what is going on with narcissists is another part of the healing journey, but learning what is true about you (not her projections that don't fit) and what you need (not just all about her) is a significant part of promoting your sanity.
A coaching type atmosphere-having savvy mentors in your life and others who really get where you are coming from- really comes through for you in being able to do something about getting your needs met. It is much easier to set healthy boundaries for yourself when you have the the support of others.
Do you want to talk to me about your situation? You can do this by Google Hangout video chat. Just email and ask for the distance coaching options. Shannon@relationshipgardening.com.
Think over what level of boundary setting will work for you because your mother is likely some of the following:
- insatiable in her search for constant admiration
- feels devastating shame easily, although often hides it
- vulnerable to the slightest rebuff, real or imagined
- regularly accuses you of wrongdoing, or uses derogatory undeserved labels
- cannot see you as a separate self, uses you as an extension of her own identity-like you are her superhero projection
- If you are doing something that doesn't meet her preconceived image of who you are (as she lives through you), she can tear you or your friends down faster than a flying potato.
You have a very difficult mother and it takes some clear headed strategy to deal with her so that you are not left like a ripped up piece of paper after every encounter. You also may be used to feeling completely invisible.
She is not likely to change. You will need to make changes in how you deal with her for your own survival.
Now certainly your mother has charming qualities, and is clever and creative; this is not about surviving that part. It is about the unpredictable rages and her not being there at all for you. When you were young, she could not reflect to you who you are so you could develop into a thriving being who knows your own gifts and feels valued as is. Her own mirror was broken and she can only hold a cracked one up for you. This is like being mothered by a baby. She can't really mother you.
That is your job now and I can help you with it! It can be hard to impossible on your own without support and a clear mirror of what is really going on so you can get your needs met too.
Meet with me, Shannon Batts in Portland, Oregon for individualized attention to YOUR needs for a change. Get support and learn your strategies for surviving AND thriving.
Life is soooooooo much better with a mentor, or coach to help you shift to a much more fulfilling life you have been waiting for.
Call 503-348-0405 or make an appointment on the online scheduler
If you aren't in Portland and you still want to get support from Shannon, consider distance coaching in which you book phone appts, email sessions, or video chat.
See you soon,